Unlocking the Power of Transformation

Blog by Gem Fadling

I grew up with a mom who was quite troubled. She had grown up during a time when people didn’t talk about their problems or readily receive counseling to help with their healing. She had been traumatized in various ways over the course of her early life, and this resulted in a life of fear that led to her becoming overcontrolling. As I have reflected upon her in my second half of life, I see that, considering all she went through, she did very well inside her circumstances.

She raised me and, along with my dad, gave me every opportunity afforded by a middle-class family. Even though I was an only child (with a sprinkling of foster siblings), my childhood was full of simple and beautiful memories: fishing in the river, swinging on homemade swings, creating art and doing crafts, playing piano, riding my horse or bike, listening to music, sledding, gardening, playdates with friends, and more.

Despite all the good stuff going on around me, some unhelpful emotional and relational undercurrents developed within me as a result of my mom’s unhealed parts. (Please note here that I am not blaming my mom for anything. I’m simply describing a dynamic. I’ve done the hard work of therapy and have found freedom in my adult life. I am responsible for my own feelings and actions.)

I learned, even as a young child, to enter a room with my relational antenna out. I believed I had to read the room--the mood, the words, and body language--to know what was going on. In my young mind, this kept me safe. If I could determine the temperature, I could make decisions about my own behavior. Mostly I tried to lift the mood of the room by being upbeat so that things might go well.

As children, we pick up on cues (especially nonverbal ones), adjust our behavior, and then make decisions about what to keep, what to toss out, and what to hide away. Some of us do this for a sense of safety, some for a sense of value, and others for a sense of control.

As a young adult I continued this practice (without knowing I was doing it, of course). I was still under the impression that all the relational and emotional cues I was collecting were serving me well by keeping me safe.

I was not aware, however, of the emotional, physical, and psychological toll this was taking on me. But that’s the “fun” of midlife—you get to come face to face with the things that aren’t working any longer. And if you are intentional, you can come to terms with your inner dynamics (sometimes with the help of a good therapist and a spiritual director) and find release and healing from all that you unintentionally picked up in the first half of life.

That said, this discussion is really about redemption. You see, what was overwhelming and unhealthy in the first half of life can be identified, moved through, healed, and transformed.

These days, traces of the unhelpful antenna still emerge from time to time. But I can catch myself faster and I have tools to help me. And my ability to focus on others has been transformed. It now looks more like paying attention, listening deeply, focusing, and being present.

People often comment on how focused, non-anxious, and present I feel to them. That is the transforming gift of the Spirit. I take no credit for this dynamic except to say that I consented to and participated in the transforming work of the Spirit in many and various ways.

When I was young, I practiced looking at someone else to determine how to keep myself safe. Now, I practice looking at someone else to hold sacred space for them so that they might feel safe in God’s presence.

Romans 8:28 says that “all things work together for good.” This is a phrase that has been used and abused in many Christian conversations. The cavalier use of this verse is often like slapping a Band-Aid on a severed limb. However, I think in this instance it can be a beautiful place to enjoy the richness of what it might really mean.

God redeems that which is broken, lost, or dysfunctional. Over time, my unhealthy antenna has been transformed into a renewed practice of presence, focus, and care. This is the work of the Kingdom. And this is the journey I love.

Some Christians talk about conversion as a one-time event. But we are all being converted over our entire lifetime into the likeness of Christ. Conversion is long and slow and messy because it’s a change in nature. The question is, are you aware of and cooperating with the God-initiated process?

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2)

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Cor. 3:17-18)

Notice in these two passages that transformation is in the passive voice. We “are being transformed.” Even though the language is passive, the relationship and dynamic are not. Making ourselves intentionally and cooperatively available to this transformation is central.

We don’t do this for selfish or self-centered reasons. A healthy self is what allows us to serve others well. Our formation matters to our leadership, our relationships, and our work.

Let’s reflect for a moment. It might be good to ponder, pray, or journal through these questions. 

• How are you remaining open to the transformational process of God in your life?
• What early childhood dynamics have been (or could be) redeemed for this current season of your life?
• What support might you need in order to move to greater healing?