How to Express Your True Voice

Blog by Gem Fadling

When I was in my twenties, working in the corporate world, I once took a Social Styles test that was supposed to help me better understand myself and my work relationships.

This test categorizes a person as Analytical, Expressive, Amiable, or Driver according to where they fall on a scale of being less or more assertive and either more task-oriented or more people-oriented. The results are based not on feelings but on actions and how others perceive you. In fact, part of the test involves your coworkers also taking a test on how they view you.

I was under 25 at the time, so I wasn’t even fully baked yet as a human. All my flaws were in high command, to say the least, and I did not have full use of my own voice or my agency in the world.

When my test results came back I was categorized as Amiable. This meant I was more people-oriented and less assertive. At face value, there’s no problem there. There was no “right” or “best” type; it was simply information. But I distinctly remember feeling upset with that word amiable. I wanted to be labeled Expressive because it sounded much more interesting.

To me, being called amiable was the same as being labeled a doormat. Sure, whatever you want. No worries, I can handle it. I’ll just adjust to whatever comes up. Again, there is nothing wrong with being compliant and friendly; it’s just that for me at that time, these sentiments highlighted my perceived lack of spine. Remember, I was in my twenties, so even my analysis of myself had its own shortcomings.

This amiable tendency followed me further into adulthood and showed up in various ways over the years, until I finally awoke to the unhealthy version of this dynamic during midlife. I began to equate my less-assertive ways with a lack of a strong and healthy inner and outer voice.

There were at least three ways I exhibited this lack of voice:

1. I apologized for taking up space.

When I was part of the leadership team of another nonprofit, I had the honor of opening some of our training sessions with a spiritual practice. I distinctly remember feeling rushed inside. There was a sense in which I believed my part of the meeting had lower priority. I felt the need to hurry up and get through my part so the important things could begin. No one made me feel this way. It was simply an interior dynamic that I noticed. In a way, I was apologizing for taking up space. I’m so sorry, I’ll be out of your way in a minute. I’ll just hurry up and finish here so we can get to the good stuff.

2. I rarely said “I.”

For my entire first half of life, I rarely said “I.” I mostly said “we.” The we being Alan and me. I met Alan when I was 17, began dating him at 19, and was married at 21. We grew up together and had a very strong connection. There’s nothing wrong with having a good marriage and a vital friendship, but we both were lacking a healthy version of self. And so I said “we” whenever I was sharing a story, especially one about my past. Yes, most things happened to both of us together, but each story also has a version that happened to just me. At the time I was unaware or unable to differentiate that.

3. I couldn’t say “I deserve…”

This one is the most embarrassing. During a memorable therapy appointment, my therapist and I stumbled upon this dynamic—I couldn’t say “I deserve...” My description of this was so noticeable that we paused and my therapist walked me through a very specific list in which every sentence began with those two words: “I deserve…” As we went down the list, I said no to every single one. Most disturbing was when we came to the final statement: “I deserve to be loved.”

This was a tremendous wake-up call. It’s one thing to be humble, but not having enough sense of self that I could believe the idea that I deserve to be loved was so sad.

There were many reasons I ended up with that mindset, but one of the most insidious ones came from my own faith journey. I somehow believed in “worm theology.” That is, I was so sinful and bad, and there was nothing good in my heart, so I must be undeserving. What other reason could there be for needing grace? Eventually, I would come to see how this is a twisted version of God’s goodness and mercy. But there I was, unable to accept that I deserved anything.

God’s Healing Grace

 Thanks to the consistent and loving transformational presence of God, as well as many years working with a skilled therapist, I did find my agency and voice, and now I know how to tell a story using the word I. I also have a healthy sense of self in Christ and a greater understanding of what I do and do not deserve.

There were many reasons why I did not have a strong voice for many years, including enmeshment, self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety. God has been very gracious to grow me up into the truer version of who he made me to be, and I am so grateful.

Why is it important to have a strong and healthy sense of self and of one’s own voice? Because this is evidence that our true self is sitting at the head of the table. We don’t need a young, traumatized, unhealthy version of ourselves running the show.

We aren’t trying to be more than we are, we are simply working to be all that we are. As the old saying goes, “God don’t make no junk.”

I share this story with the hope that you will see yourself somewhere in it. Maybe you have had a similar journey in connecting with your truest self, or maybe you are in the middle of the path. Either way, I hope you will take heart and continue on, with Jesus accompanying you along the way.

No matter where you are in your own initiative, here are three ideas to help you continue on your way:

1. Reflect on your unique story.

 Ask yourself, What moments in my life have deeply shaped my perspective? Where have I learned compassion, resilience, or courage? By recognizing the power in your journey, you’ll begin to honor your voice as something of value to share with others.

2. Identify what stirs your heart.

 Your voice often emerges most authentically when you speak from what genuinely moves you. Pay attention to what lights you up or where you find yourself feeling a strong urge to make a difference. This doesn’t need to be grand or world-changing. It could be as simple as a passion for kindness, a longing for justice, or a desire to create peace. As you lean into these areas, you might find the threads of your voice woven with purpose and direction.

3. Begin small and speak gently but boldly.

 Practice using your voice in safe and supportive relationships. This might be through conversations with a trusted friend or spiritual director, journaling, or prayer. Speak even if it feels small or vulnerable at first. Your voice doesn’t have to be loud to make an impact. What matters is that it’s true to you. Each time you share, you’re building confidence and clarity in expressing what’s on your heart.

Let these steps unfold gently, knowing that your voice will strengthen and become a gift not just for you but for those who need to hear it.