Overcoming Unhelpful Voices

Blog by Gem Fadling

Out of all the concepts raised in my book Hold That Thought, the one that receives the most feedback is the illustration of the Inner Dining Table.

In Hold That Thought I unpack a couple of big ideas: You are not your thoughts. Rather, you have thoughts, and you can be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Rom. 12:2).

Before we dive in further, we need to remember that according to classic Christian spirituality, thoughts also include feelings and intuitions. This is a more holistic approach to who we are as persons, and it contrasts with how in recent centuries we have divided ourselves up into parts that really are quite difficult to untwine. For the purposes of this discussion, I’ll be using the word thoughts in the classic sense. I will also use the terms thoughts and voices interchangeably.

My brain is constantly working on something—mostly puzzles or worst-case scenarios. It likes to forecast and solve problems over and over. I was about forty years old when I realized I am separate from my own thoughts. Until then I had believed my thoughts were me. But I am not my thoughts. I have thoughts.

There is great freedom in knowing that your thoughts are not the boss of you. Your brain is thinking, but you can take one step back and notice the swirl. And once you notice your thoughts, you can discern them and then make new choices. This at least hints at one aspect of neuroplasticity: Our brains can change.

For our purposes here, let’s call the organ in our heads our brain, and let’s call that aspect of ourselves that takes one step back our mind. The apostle Paul writes, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2), and he reminds us that “we have the mind of Christ” (1 Cor. 2:16).

And this is where the image of the Inner Dining Table comes in. Picture a lovely dining room with a large rectangular table in the center. Parents would typically sit at the head of the table. This was a sign of respect and in some small way showed their authority. The kids would sit along on the long ends of the table.

Each of us has an Inner Dining Table where our brain does some of its work as monologues, dialogues, and more flit about through any given day. In the healthiest version of yourself, you are the one sitting at the head of your own Inner Dining Table. It is your life and you should have the place of honor.

But let’s imagine you are having a rough day and experiencing unhelpful thoughts such as:

• You really messed that up. What’s wrong with you?!
• Haven’t I told you before? That’s not how we do this!
• Why are you even bothering? You’ll never get this right.

Normally such thoughts just come and go, humming along under the surface. But today you happen to notice them and you pause. Right then, just for a moment, you can choose to sit down at your own Inner Dining Table.

As you assess the room, you realize you are no longer sitting at the head of the table. The voice of a fed-up and distressed parent is sitting there, and echoes of family dynamics are reverberating through the room.

You realize you do not want to listen to this old voice any longer, so you go over to the distressed voice and ask it to move to another chair. You then take your place at the head of the table. You get to make the decisions about what you will think and do.

And the great thing is that you have the Holy Spirit right there, lovingly guiding you into new ways of thinking. In consultation with the Spirit, all of this is one gracious movement.

Once you’ve gently asked the voice to move and are sitting in your rightful place, simply let the voice know that you will take things from here. You can thank it for expressing itself, but that such tone and words no longer serve you. You’ve chosen a different way of living.

Sometimes I’ll even have this conversation out loud so my brain can hear the choice I am making. This helps create those new grooves we desire.

This metaphor helps because it creates a visual image for our personal agency in the choices we get to make. We are not synonymous with all our thoughts. And moving to the head of our own table is a simple way to make desired changes.

Let’s take this idea a bit deeper and move it into action.

For Reflection:

Notice and Name Your Inner Voices

Take a few moments each day to identify any thoughts, feelings, or intuitions that surface, especially in challenging situations. Without judgment, simply notice them and mentally or verbally label them (e.g., Critic, Worrier, Perfectionist). By naming these voices, you begin to recognize them as visitors at your Inner Dining Table, not the authority.

Take Your Seat at the Head of the Table

When you become aware of a particularly strong or negative thought, envision yourself graciously asking it to move from the head of your Inner Dining Table. Take a few deep breaths as you imagine yourself sitting back in your chair. This visual cue reinforces your agency and gently signals that you, not the voices, lead your thoughts.

Engage in Gratitude or Affirmation Dialogue

Once seated at the head of the table, verbally affirm your position and set a positive, discerned tone. For example, you might say, “I used to think and talk like this, but now I’m choosing to speak to myself with grace. I’ll move forward more easily in this way.” This acknowledges the old way and affirms the new.

The term “be transformed” from Romans 12:2 is in the passive voice, which means God is the one who is transforming us. We get to cooperate with God’s loving and invitational manner as he redirects our thoughts in healthier ways. The Inner Dining Table is simply one way to envision this process.

Blessings to you as you make your way.