Being Loved as a Foundation of Our Identity

Blog by Alan Fadling

Two weeks ago, I posed a question that arose for me as I was reading Thomas Merton’s book, New Seeds of Contemplation: What makes us real? Is it something we achieve or someone we impress or something we possess? Merton would say the basis for our reality is not found in any of those things. Instead, he writes, “It is only in [God’s] love that we at last become real” (p. 68).

For Merton, being real isn’t about proving ourselves. It’s about aligning with God’s ways—and God is love.

So much of life tempts us to define ourselves by what we accomplish, accumulate, or achieve. But those things never truly satisfy. They are like a leaky balloon that needs to be reinflated again and again. Merton points us to a more enduring reality: When we love, we are most truly ourselves. Love is the deepest, most lasting reality in all creation.

The Love That Holds Us Steady

 We spend so much time striving to become something in the eyes of others. But all that effort can leave us exhausted. An identity rooted in love, however, isn’t as fragile as all that. The love of God is already real, and we become real as we embrace our belovedness in Him.

This love isn’t just surface-level affection or mere approval. It’s the love of God—the kind of love that sees us fully and calls forth our truest self. It’s a love we share. When we give and receive love, we reflect the divine reality of Father, Son, and Spirit existing in eternal, self-giving love. We were made in that image. And only in that love do we come alive.

We Love Because We Are Loved

 Merton offers us another profound insight in this same book when he writes, “The beginning of the fight against hatred . . . is not the commandment to love, but what must necessarily come before . . . to believe that one is loved” (pp. 74-75).

Love isn’t something we force ourselves to do. Love begins in faith—the faith that is a growing trust that we are already loved. We love not out of obligation but as a response to the love that first found us.

For me, this has been incredibly freeing. Love isn’t about gritting my teeth and trying harder. It’s about resting in the love of God that already is, letting it flow through me. When I see others as already beloved by God, love no longer feels like a burden—it becomes more natural.

A Love That Changes How We See Others

 When we begin from a place of love, we see others differently. Instead of focusing on what irritates or frustrates us, we begin to see them through God’s eyes. Maybe I don’t have it in me to love a particular person—but God already loves them. And when I open myself to His love, that love can reach them through me.

What would our world be like if we lived in alignment with God’s love? How differently would we treat one another? How much more peace, compassion, and understanding would we experience? It starts with a simple but profound shift: allowing ourselves to be loved.

Resting in Love, Becoming Real

 As we open ourselves to love, it transforms not just us but those around us. Love is meant to multiply, to flow between us, to expand into the world.

So today I invite you to pause. Rest in the love of God, knowing you are already loved—fully, completely, without condition. And as you receive that love, may it move through you, making you real and bringing life to those around you.

For Reflection:

• How does your view of yourself change when you see love—not achievement—as the foundation of your identity?
• In what areas of your life are you striving for approval instead of resting in love?
• How might your relationships change if you approached others as already loved by God?